Well, I’m hot according to my wife and Amazon’s Kindle Scout.
Now, my wife has to say such things because she married me twenty years ago and my actions over that time bring into question my intelligence and judgement, so she is probably better off saying I’m somewhat “easy on the eyes” and good in the sack. That’s about all she’s got left and she’s pretty handy with those photo filters, doctoring up images of me before they hit Facebook so that they come out slightly fuzzy and grainy and I look like a sexy criminal from the 1970’s.
On the other hand, I don’t know why Amazon Kindle Scout says I’m hot. Well, it could be because I’m asking family, friends, total strangers, my kids’ teachers, a clown at the circus and anyone else who will make eye contact with me to go “nominate” my manuscript for a 30 day contest I’m in. But I don’t know a lot of details beyond that. For example, I don’t know how many people I have to ask/beg/assault in order to stay “hot” during this Kindle process. I just know that when I look at my submission on their page right now, it says “hot” out beside it.
So why am I doing this dancing monkey routine? Why am I harassing people to help me out when I suspect it will amount to nothing? I’ll tell you why: because it goes against my very nature, my core, my inner spirit. I have decided to pull a George. Do you remember that Seinfeld episode where George decides listen to his gut, and then do the exact opposite of what it tells him to do? In other words, he decides to NOT trust his instincts at all. And it works. George has attractive women paying attention to him and he lands a dream job, at least for a while.
It is working for me, too. I may be in the media business, but I am the worst self-promoter in the world. And yet, somehow, I have remained “hot.”
But it is not like I am totally comfortable with this. It has ended up being like a bad 12 step program played out on social media. Thanks to Twitter and Facebook I can find people I have not talked to in years. Decades even. And before I can ask them to nominate me, well, usually I have to clear some things up.
Remember me? Right, back in second grade when you caught me in that game you called “kissing-chase” and I said I’d rather kiss a big, ugly frog than kiss you. Yeah, sorry about that. Well, anyway, I’ve written a book and entered it into a contest on Amazon for Kindle— What’s that? My book? Oh, goodness no, it is not at all like that. Actually my book is for kids. Hello? Where did you go?
Remember me? That’s right! We graduated high school together. What’s that? You say I ignored you at our 20th Class Reunion? That’s a laugh, since I didn’t bother to go. So anyway, I wrote this book. Are you there? Hello?
My gut tells me to stop. People are busy. But I channel my inner George and press on, not letting a little rejection slow me down.
Yes, LinkedIn is awesome and it is good to connect, I mean, network, with you again. Hey, remember when we were singing for some church event and I was playing with a lit candle and I caught your hair on fire? And THEN I slapped you in the head a few times to put it out and you would have never known your hair had been on fire except for that unfortunate smell that cleared out the room and then your hair started falling out? Right, that’s me. In my defense you had like cans of hair-spray. I’m serious; you were a walking fire hazard. Honestly, I could see where you might want to train your hair to do something, but you were forcing your hair into an unnatural state using controlled substances and that’s just wrong. Right, I’ll move on. Anyway, I wrote this book. No wait, you don’t even have to read it. You just have to “nominate” me. What does that mean? It is the perfect non-obligatory endorsement. But it isn’t an endorsement. You are only “nominating” me to win. People get nominated for stuff all the time and you know they don’t have a chance to win. As a matter of fact, when you think about it, there is a school of thought that says “nominating” someone for something they have no chance of attaining is kind of cruel. You’ll do it? Great! I sure appreciate it.
Behaving like this puts me in a constant state of cringe. I don’t even like blowing my horn at drivers who sit at a green light. I give them the benefit of the doubt and wait, and then, finally, I might give them a little “toot.”
Well, you can’t “toot” your way through this world anymore. The strong and silent types are gone. I’m blowing my message of hotness at anything that moves. And, even though I have mixed feelings about it, my plan is working. I am “hot” even if I don’t know exactly what that means.
I get up early for work. Every morning I check the computer to see if I’m still doing well on Kindle Scout. Then, as I stumble around our dark bedroom getting dressed, my wife groggily asks me asks me if I’m still hot. I say that I am. But I’m sleepy too, and the way I say it reflects a more accurate representation of how I feel. Yes, Kindle Scout might say I’m hot right now. But I don’t know how much longer I can channel my inner George. In fact, I feel tepid at best.
If you would like to “Nominate” me now, that would save me from having to find you on FB or coming to your house. (I’m sure we’re related, you went to my high school, or I owe you money.) You can do the deed here…