Parental Survival Tips for School Meeting Terrorists

If you have children, you will attend school meetings. These will be for PTA, athletics, extracurricular activities, and other things that defy explanation as a justification for bringing parents together. You will face certain types of people in these meetings and it is important to recognize who they are and what they are bringing the slightly sticky cafeteria table in order to insure your own safety, limit your exposure to additional responsibility (heaven forbid you get roped into manning a concession stand during the winter soccer season), and hopefully get you home in time for the second half of The Voice, (Because that Blake Shelton is a real hoot, isn’t he?).
First, let’s talk about the people who make up the vast majority of any school meeting involving your children. These will be the “meeting zombies”. You know these people. They will be groaning as they lurch into the school library and tuck themselves into impossibly small chairs. The snorts and grunts that come out of their mouths do not qualify as an attempt at language. They are generally harmless and wander in packs. “Meeting zombies” can infect you if you are not careful, but, by and large, they move slowly and would prefer to get the meeting over as quickly as possible so they can stagger away.
Now let’s talk school meeting agitators, or terrorists. These are usually parents who have been slighted, or obviously have nothing better to do. That being said, these people can also be teachers or school administrators who desperately needs a hobby. Not all of them are violent. For example, you have the “1970’s Cuban” meeting terrorists. One second your meeting is cruising along safely at 30,000 feet and the next second someone is speaking a different language over the loudspeaker and the meeting has been diverted to Havana. Think of these as the salad days of school meeting terrorism, when someone steals a meeting simply because they want to go somewhere. (You could insert a gathering about Disney World Cheerleading competitions here.)
Not all school meeting terrorists should be treated with disdain either. There is the “American Patriot” school meeting terrorist. (And ask someone from England before you take offense at the term.) Surprisingly, you will find yourself rooting for these people, because their cause is clearly just and fair. And yet, after they have played that “give us nutritious school lunches or give us death” card for the umpteenth time you will start looking fondly at the oppressive boot of the Redcoats. “American Patriot” school meeting terrorists are always underfunded, unorganized, and real wordy. Most of them will fail in spectacular fashion, but, every once in a while, one of them will do the impossible. (Think Democratic National Party here.)
An “Iraqi” school meeting terrorist will basically resent you for being there and propose a solution to the issue that will take forever, cost a fortune, and solve nothing.
That brings us to the “ISIS” school meeting terrorists. These people will cut you, and they would prefer to do so with a disposable plastic knife. It won’t make sense. They’ll blow up a meeting about the Key Club because little Timmy got purged from the school band. And even though it isn’t your fault little Timmy is a rhythm-less wonder who could not play the cymbals, it will be your problem when Timmy’s mom decides to take her revenge. If you think you have one of these in your group, do not look an “ISIS” school meeting terrorists in the eye or ever try to engage them. Fake like you have received a call on your cellphone and get yourself clear of the blast zone ASAP.
Whether your school meeting is about being denied proper funding to educate students simply because you are on the wrong side of the tracks, or about little Debbie not making the junior varsity dance team, be aware of the people around you. They can bring terror to your evening plans. Besides, that huge clock on the school cafeteria wall is ticking, and who knows what kind of homespun wisdom that crazy Blake is about to share on The Voice.

One thought on “Parental Survival Tips for School Meeting Terrorists

  1. Every time I have to attend a ‘meeting’ I feel like a small part of my soul gets sucked out with a straw. I try to avoid them as much as possible. I volunteer at school heavily, but I try only to do things I can do on my own. Without sitting in a stuffy room for an hour and forming a committee and a focus group and anything involving minutes. It’s actually making me break out in a sweat right now just talking about it.

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